Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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