JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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