i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
