why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
