he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
