I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
