I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
