I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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