So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
