I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm at about main and main street
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
