I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
