u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
