How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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