Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
