I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
