I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
