she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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