She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Im part way to drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
