I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
