My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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