I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
