the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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