I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
