I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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