my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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