i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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