my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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