Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
