There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
