did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
FUCK WHALES
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
