Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
