No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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