I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We have started to decorate penises.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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