my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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