You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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