It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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