Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
