Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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