I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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