i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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