Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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