goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
