I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
