Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
