I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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