He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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