I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
