If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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