Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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