dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I pour the whiskey from now on
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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