Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Who died my cat blue again?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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