I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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